Peeing on Your Boyfriend Won’t Give You What You Want, but It Will Give You What You Need

When it happens in the extremely occasional television or film scene (the first episode of Billions comes to mind, as well as the movie I See You), it seems so easy: someone squats a bit, or doesn’t even, or pulls out a penis, and voilà—someone else is getting pissed upon. I can’t remember exactly how my most recent ex-boyfriend and I started talking about my peeing on him during the last time we got back together. But I do remember clearly that during our preceding separation, all I’d wanted to do was pee on things.

My couch, for example. And so I did, having laid down one of the leftover puppy pads meant to keep blood or drainage off my upholstery after some surgery or other. And on my bed. I did it when I felt like it, when I felt a buildup of sensation and urgency in my pelvis, and while it took some time and effort to relax enough to get there even with the leak protection, it always happened. I can’t remember what my ex and I were doing this particular day he offered for the many-th time for me to pee on him, but on that day, I said yes.